


Parody 13: Welcome to Parody 13

by stewbeef44



Series: Parody 13 [1]
Category: Warehouse 13
Genre: Author Avatar Trope, Author Powers Trope, Bagels, Gen, Insanity, Parody, bronies make myka cry herself to sleep every night, equating hello kitty with satan, i smell fudge, making out with shrunken head artifacts, mrs. frederic being creepy, pastry theft, pete not wearing pants, sugar monsters, the ferret king approves this fanfic, undead italian cougars
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-29
Updated: 2013-08-28
Packaged: 2017-12-24 23:43:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 3,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/946092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stewbeef44/pseuds/stewbeef44
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dear Reader, welcome... to Parody 13. Here, we take Warehouse 13 episodes, make fun of them, and publish the results right here in this supersized archive of WH13 fanfiction. Your job - read it, review it, and enjoy it. Good luck! This parodies the pilot episode of Warehouse 13.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It was a night like any other (Myka)

It was a night like any other. Well, for Myka Bering. Myka, you see, was a CIA official. Her daily life consisted of going around, kicking ass, fighting imaginary sugar monsters (she hated sugar with a passion), eating sugar-free Twizzlers in moments of obligatory product placement, breaking the fourth wall, and kicking more ass.

Tonight, she was on assignment at the Smithsonian. She was to protect the President while he went and made a speech on invading Finland. Nobody knew why the United States government wanted to invade Finland, but oh well.

She eventually saw the person she was looking for: Chet Greenfield. "Hi, I'm Chet Greenfield."

"Your name is 'Chet'?"

"Yes."

Myka laughed uncontrollably. Everybody started staring at her, so she moved on. "So... 'Chet'...", she giggled again at this, "I need some of the museum artifacts moved to the west wall. They're blocking an exit... 'Chet'. Ha, I just can't get over that!"

"I don't see anything that's funny about my name... 'Myka'."

"...Good point."

"Good. Let's go in and talk with Gordon Letanik, the artifact prep guy. Just be careful, he's really kind of weird."

Gordon was a thin, wiry man in charge of preparing museum artifacts. He was kind of perverted. Tonight, he was trying to French-kiss a strange Aztec shrunken head with mysterious crystal shards for teeth.

"Come to me, my handsome Aztec head. You have been shrunken and mummified, but I will teach you to be well again, oh yes..."

At that point, Chet and Myka walked in. "Gordon, this is Myka Ber- … what the FRAKK are you DOING to that poor Aztec shrunken head?!"

"I'm teaching it manners, what does it look like?"

"Well, stop teaching it 'manners', or you're fired!"

"Fine. But later, we will be together. Forever. What do you want?"

Chet sighed, and said, "This is Myka Bering, CIA. She wants you to move some artifacts."

"Oh, my, what a lovely woman. Could you stay a while, perhaps?"

Myka walked up to him. As he was about to kiss her, she punched and broke his nose. "Nope, unless you want me to do that to all the bones in your body. Now move those artifacts."

Gordon whimpered. "Fine, I'll just satisfy myself with this lovely shrunken head. Now leave, we're about to get started... moving artifacts."

Chet shook his head. "I'm sorry, Myka. Nobody else wanted the job, so he's what we have. We can't really fire him, so let's leave him be."

"Fine with me." They both left.

After they did, Gordon said to the head, "Let's finish this..." He put his tongue in the shrunken head's mouth. He had forgotten about the crystal teeth, and he cut his tongue on one. It bled and bled, and no matter what Gordon did, it kept bleeding.

The shrunken head started to speak to him, in a voice that he knew only he could hear. "KILL THE GIRL. THE MEXICAN AMBASSADOR'S DAUGHTER. ONLY THEN MAY YOU MAKE SWEET LOVE TO ME. DO IT. NOW."

"Yes... my liege."


	2. It was a night like any other (Pete)

It was a night like any other... aw, to hell with it. But for Pete Lattimer, also a CIA official, it truly was a night like any other. As usual, it was spent not showing up at the briefing for his current mission. Tonight, like many nights, he was banging away at a random female while eating a bagel. He loved bagels. He also liked banging random females. I love my job, he thought as he packed his briefcase and gun. He did, and now he had a president to protect.

He showed up to his assignment. His bossy and incorrigibly sarcastic partner, none other than Myka Bering, was there to nag him.

"Pete, you didn't show up to the briefing. Banging away at a server, most likely. That server, right?" She pointed to the exact server Pete had sex with earlier that night.

"How did you know? Did you look in my windows again?"

"I only did that that one time, and it was not a pleasant sight, so I never did it again. I just noticed that neither of you showed up with pants on."

Pete looked at the server's pants, then at his. Neither were present. "Don't you have a scrupulous eye for detail," he remarked.

"Yes, yes I do."

Uh-oh. Pete felt that something was wrong.

"Something's wrong here..." Pete said.

"How can you tell?"

"Well, whenever something bad's about to happen, I get really bad Pink Floyd songs stuck in my head, like they're on repeat."

"I thought Pink Floyd was a pretty good band."

"They were in their good years, but this song was one of their really bad ones. It's called Pigs, Three Different Ones."

"Oh... that must really suck."

A voice came on their headset. "Is Eagle clear to enter?"

Myka spoke back, "Affirmative, Eagle is free to enter."

Pete suddenly said into his headset, "Negative! Negative, hold Eagle until further notice. Out."

Myka glared at him, saying, "Get back to your post."

"Myka, the volume of that Pink Floyd song just went up 20 decibels. Something's off."

"It's only your pants that are off, Pete, now get out of here."

"I will."


	3. The Old Man and the Unibrow

Meanwhile, there was a man outside. He had a determined, serious expression on his face, and a unibrow. Mostly a unibrow, though. His determined, serious expression actually made him look like he was trying to fart, so we'll leave it at that.

This man was trying to break into the Smithsonian and steal a certain Aztec shrunken head, the same shrunken head that Gordon Letanik lusted after. Unlike Gordon, he did not want to French-kiss it, that would be just plain stupid. No, the unibrowed man's motives will be revealed shortly, as it is an integral part of our story.

As the mysterious man was sneaking through the passageways, he saw a guard. The guard turned around, saw him, and drew his gun. But before the guard could do anything, he drew out a water pistol. The guard started laughing his ass off, thinking it was some sort of joke. But when the man pulled the trigger, it was not water that shot out, it was a giant bolt of lightning. The guard was knocked out instantly, and the unibrowed man walked calmly to the elevator as though nothing happened.

Pete Lattimer was doing a perimeter check when he noticed an Aztec shrunken head on a pedestal. The strange thing about it was that it was bleeding. Do mummies bleed? I wouldn't think they do, but I know nothing about ancient mummification processes, he thought. While he was pondering this silly notion, a man with bloodshot eyes carrying a knife who was staring directly at the Mexican ambassador's daughter walked behind him. This was the lust-crazed Gordon Letanik, now governed solely by the magical, now-bleeding shrunken head. Everybody at the museum must have been either drunk or high, because nobody noticed this. Nobody but Myka Bering, who saw this familiar face walking towards the ambassador's daughter, raising his knife, advancing closer and closer..."

"FREEZE, PERV!"

Now we go back to Pete. He had decided to take the Aztec shrunken head home with him, because it just looked really cool. Unfortunately for him, just before he had grabbed it, everyone got over their respective alcohol- and marijuana-induced highs and realized a CIA agent had stolen a museum artifact.

Pete knew he would be fired, but in his messed-up mind, a bleeding, mummified head was totally worth it. Until he tripped and lost his grip on the head, and it rolled right over to where a man with a giant unibrow was standing.

"Hey! I want that!"

"You can't have it, Pete." He could only watch as the man poured something purple and gross into the head. There was a giant flash of light, and afterwards, the mysterious man was gone.

By this time, Myka had beaten Gordon to a bloody pulp, and was about to shoot him. But at the very moment there was the big flash of light, Gordon screamed and started to dance to imaginary polka rap, because he had gone insane. His only chance of making it with a shrunken head, something he had wanted to do since he was five years old, was eliminated. "Let's leave him be," one of the women at the party said. "Myka and the rest agreed, and Gordon was left in a bloody, polka rap-dancing mess.


	4. The creepiest woman on the planet

As it turned out, Pete was suspended indefinitely. In the CIA, of course, this meant only one thing: he was going to be shot in the balls, then shot into the sun. So to sum it up, Pete Lattimer was having a pretty crappy evening.

As he got home, he had another Pink Floyd song stuck in his head, one that he hadn't heard before. This meant Pete was about to encounter something really weird. He pulled out his gun, just in case.

He searched his entire apartment for something mysterious, but he didn't find anything. He was starving (as usual), so he went to the refrigerator to get a bagel. And this is where our story gets weird.

A woman was waiting inside the refrigerator with a creepy, stern look on her face. "Hello, Peter. We need to talk."

"What... the hell?"

The woman ignored this. "I've broken inside your house and have hidden inside your refrigerator to pop out when you're least expecting it on a matter of national security." The freezer door opened, which was hiding a male stripper. The stripper handed him a legal document, which was a transfer. "You're part of my bailiwick now," the woman said calmly.

"...What's a 'bailiwick'? It sounds really dirty."

"You're working for me."

"Yeah, like that's gonna happen."

"Well, would you rather be shot into the sun?"

"...Fine."

"Pack light, Mr. Lattimer. We'll ship what you need and store the rest, I've scattered gnomes throughout the house to do that overnight while you're sleeping."

"Huh?" Pete looked behind him. A gnome was standing there, flipping him off. He turned around to protest, but both the woman and the male stripper had vanished.

"This will definitely be the weirdest thing I'll ever experience," Pete said to no one in particular. He was wrong.


	5. Warehouse 13

Pete drove to the coordinates on the transfer. The document showed the place he was being transferred to as "Warehouse 13", somewhere in South Dakota. When he crossed the South Dakota state line, he noticed a cow staring intently at him. What was strange was that it had a thimble on its tail, a shackle on its hoof, and a symbol of an eye branded on its side. "Hey, stop staring at me!" The cow mooed. "Jeez, it's not like you're my mom or anything!"

The cow glared at him, and stomped off. "Cows these days..." Pete sighed, and drove on.

As Pete drove up to a creepy-looking warehouse, which he assumed to be the "Warehouse 13" that he was being transferred to, he saw none other than Myka Bering there.

"What are you doing here?"

"Well, when I went home, a woman was hiding in my toilet, of all places. She said she had broken in because of national security."

"Let me guess, was there a male stripper with her who handed you a transfer?"

"Yes, he came out of the shower. How did you know?"

Pete told her what happened when he had arrived home. "Well, let's go in and see what the hell is going on," Myka said.

A voice said behind them, "Sorry I'm late, I had to fix the fish."

It was the mysterious unibrowed man who had broken into the museum. Pete asked, "Hey, you stole my shrunken head!"

"It wasn't yours, Pete, and you stole it, remember?" Myka reminded him.

"I know, but he stole it from me afterward!"

The unibrowed man broke up the argument. "It's called a Bloodhead, and it's in the warehouse, safe and sound. My name is Arthur Nielsen, but you can call me Artie. I also work for Ms. Frederic, the lady who delivered the transfers."

"Fine," Myka said exasperatedly. "What do we do?"

"Well, I'll explain everything inside."

Myka and Pete hesitated, looking at the structure. It was most likely the creepiest exterior of a building they had ever seen.

"I made bagels."

"Yay, bagels!" Pete rushed in giddily. Myka still looked reluctant to go inside, but went in anyway.

First they went through a corridor filled with nuclear bombs. There was a sign saying in large letters, "DON'T TOUCH THE BOMBS". Pete tried to touch one anyway, but Myka grabbed his hand before he could blow anything up. They also noticed a large, red button on the opposite wall, saying, "SELF-DESTRUCT BUTTON. DO NOT PRESS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES."

"Why is that button even there?" Myka wondered aloud.

After the corridor, they went through some sort of lobby, then to a deck looking out over an expanse of shelves and boxes. It truly seemed amazing.

"Mr. Lattimer, Miss Bering. Welcome... to Warehouse 13."


	6. Bad phone service

"Tell me exactly what I'm doing here." Myka demanded as soon as she walked back in the lobby of the warehouse.

"Well, that's hard to describe..." Artie began.

Myka decided it was time for immediate action. She pulled out a gun and a squirrel, and pointed the gun at the squirrel's head. "The squirrel gets it if you don't tell me what's going on, right now."

"That squirrel's already dead, Myka."

"Dammit, it always fools everyone else. Alright, well, can I make a phone call?"

"I don't have one. Too much technology for me, I prefer telegraphs." Artie pointed to his telegraph machine in the corner.

"Okay, let's see if my cell phone has any battery left..."

"There's no signal here."

Myka looked ready to break something, then huffily walked out of the building.

"I think she had other plans," Pete said.

"So did I."

Pete was about to ask what exactly those plans were, but thought better of it. He looked around, and saw a picture of a young Artie, Mrs. Frederic, and some other people. "Who's that in the picture besides you and Mrs. Frederic?"

"Former colleagues."

"And where are they now?"

"Well, these five are dead, this one is drooling applesauce in a nursing home, I think he's about ten years older than you now, this one thinks and feels like he's being ripped apart and eaten by Cthulhu, Prince of Darkness constantly, this one, mental institution in Germany, and this one... disappeared, one day I'll find him."

Meanwhile, Myka was standing on a mound, trying to call her former boss, Daniel Dickinson. She was still on good terms with him, as she didn't try and steal anything from the Smithsonian.

"Hello?"

"Sir? This is Myka Bering."

"Where are you? And where's Pete, I was supposed to shoot him into the sun today!"

"Yeah, you're not the only one who wants to. Look, a lady appeared in my toilet along with a male stripper in my shower, and they transferred me to a warehouse in South Dakota."

There was an awkward pause. "You do know that drugs can get you fired, right?"

"I'm not on drugs. Look, the lady is named Mrs. Frederic. I am requesting a transfer back to D.C."

"Okay, okay, I'll look into it. I'll call you later and I'll tell you what I find. Bye."

The call ended. Artie was standing at the bottom of the mound. "That's a pile of crap you're standing in. Would you like a cookie?"

"No, I hate sugar."

"Oh, well, that's okay then. Come on, I'll give you and Pete a tour."


	7. The Magical Buggy Tour of Mystery

Pete and Myka's tour started out in an old, hokey-looking electric buggy. Myka told Pete what happened during the phone call, as Artie rambled on about the history of Warehouse 13, which at that point neither of them could care less about. At one point, however, Pete saw a swirling, triangular vortex of energy behind one of the crates. "What is that?" he asked.

"That," Artie said, "is part of the Bermuda Triangle. Triangle's been trying to get it back ever since."

"I think he's crazy," Myka whispered to Pete softly enough so Artie wouldn't hear. Pete nodded in agreement.

"And over here is the Bloodhead, which Pete was so helpful to retrieve for me last night. And its properties probably would have killed an ambassador's daughter, had it not been safely put away and neutralized, right in here."

There was a pause. Myka broke the silence, saying loudly, "Bunk."

Artie looked at her. "Is gravity bunk? Is magnetism? These are all mysterious forces that we live with every day, but we can't explain them. I mean, can you even explain to me how a radio works?"

Myka interrupted him. "Yes, I can. I could right now, but it's quite a lengthy explanation, and so it would be terribly annoying for the author to have to explain it all."

Suddenly, there was a booming sound. "Never, ever, break the fourth wall. Ever. Do you understand?" Artie suddenly looked serious.

"What's a 'fourth wall'?" Pete inquired.

"I can't tell you that. The only thing that we are allowed to say about the... wall... is that we never mention it, or everything you see here will be lost. Do both of you have that absolutely clear?"

"Yes."

"Good. Let's continue the tour."

As they went on, Myka saw a ferret. "Aww, what a cute ferret! Hi, my name is Myka! Look, isn't he adora – OW!" The ferret bit her. "What was that for?"

Artie looked serious again. "Myka, do you smell fudge right now?"

"Yes... how did you know?"

"Myka, Pete, get in the car. We're going to Leena's."

"Who?" they said in unison. But he didn't answer, so they followed him out of the warehouse.


	8. Myka's Nightmare I

Myka found herself in a familiar place. It was filled with mist. Mist that was crystalline, and tasted like... sugar! A ferret appeared near her.

"What am I doing here?" Myka asked the ferret groggily.

The ferret replied, "You are grumpy and unpleasant to be around, and do not adapt well to new environments. In the situation you are in, you will need to to that at a moment's notice. I will be appearing occasionally to help you do just that."

"Riiight. So why is this place filled with sugar? I hate sugar."

She immediately got her answer. All the sugar-mist in the room started forming a giant sugar monster, one that she had often had nightmares about. The ferret tossed her a lightsaber.

Myka slashed off the sugar monster's arm. She started to do her victory dance of triumph, but noticed that her lightsaber was on the ground, her arm still clutching the lightsaber. Her own arm had fallen off.

"NOOOOO!" A door opened, and she was sent reeling through it, into the void beyond. She could hear the ferret calling, "Next time, Myka! Next time!"

"I'll see you in hell, you goddamn ferret!"

And then Myka woke up. Her arm was still intact. "Now that was a scary dream..."

She heard a voice saying, "Oh, good, you're up. Hello, I'm Leena. You've been out a while, would you like some cookies?"

"No. I don't eat sugar."

"We also have Twizzlers."

"Oh, thank you! All right, I'll get some."

With that, she followed Leena into the dining room and met up with Pete and Artie.


	9. Leena's mind game

"Leena, I had a really strange dream last night."

Leena stopped. "Was it about a ferret? Did it involve the ferret handing you a lightsaber, so you could fight a sugar monster, only to have your own arm chopped off, and you reeling into a dark void that you only escaped by waking up?"

"Um... how did you know?"

"Because I'm psychic. For example, you totally have it for Pete, but you don't want to admit that you have the hots for someone who never wears pants. Your partner and former lover, Sam, was shot in Denver, and you still have yet to recover from it. You do not have a favorite color, because you think that sort of thing is stupid. You like indie music, especially Great Lake Swimmers, Electric President and RickoLus. You also are afraid of not only sugar monsters, but also Hello Kitty. You cry every night because bronies exist, and you sleep naked. See? I'm psychic."

"I hate you so much."

"No, you don't. I can tell, because I'm psychic."

"DAMN YOU, LEENA!"

"Yep, everyone says that at first."

Soon, they met up with Artie, his unibrow, and Pete (who, as usual, was not wearing pants). The mission briefing began.


	10. Briefing

When they all had sat down, Artie began briefing them. "Okay, so you two are investigating Cody Thomas, a law school graduate student."

"What did he do?"

"He struck his girlfriend. But you are not just investigating him, you're investigating what may have caused it. And to answer that, I've prepared some questions."

He handed them a few pages of questions. Pete started reading them.

"Hmm, let's see... 'do you smell fudge?' But what if there's a fudge factory nearby? Or there's this really cool food cart that only sells different types of fudge? Can we perhaps invest in some if we find it?"

"Ignore him." Myka nodded in reply, and she grabbed the packet from Pete. "'Do you have the constant feeling that today is yesterday? Is that just to check for hangovers?"

"No." Leena looked somber. "That question saved Artie a few years back. Mrs. Frederic and I were not quite so lucky."

There was a pause. "What happened?" Pete asked.

Artie answered. "The Mayan Calendar. It allows you to read the mind of any person throughout space and time. It makes you paranoid and delusional if you cannot control it. Leena, through her delusion predicted the end of the world for December 31, 1999. Leena's mother died of a heart attack because of it, and now Mrs. Frederic has taken over as legal guardian for Leena."

"And I still am not over killing my mom by starting Y2K, not by a long shot. So always ask at least that question. Please."

"Also, we still have not found the Mayan Calendar. It was stolen by one of my former partners."

"Artie, where is he now?" Pete asked.

"...I'd rather not talk about it. Now, be on your way. Seever City, Iowa is where you're headed. Good luck. Oh, and... don't get killed."


End file.
